Cheating

Hey, man — 
 What’s wrong again? Why so often?
 I don’t know why I slip again.
 Why I fall through cracks I carved.
 Why I can’t just make this happen.
 I should, shouldn’t I?

Yesterday — I lied.
 Told myself, this is it.
 No more cycles.
 Not again. Not again.
 Not lose my life one tick at a time.
 Better to lose it all at once — on my own dime.

Maybe that saves me,
 And mine — 
 From all the broken promises,
 From the false gusts of wind
 That keep me up,
 That fake their wings,
 That feed my lie.

Oh, how I cheat them.
 Cheat my people.
 Cheat life.

I was once — 
 That force that moved earth and sky.
 Now, that self is gone.
 Dead.
 And dying still.
 Each day, a little more.
 This heart has no purpose. No true pulse.

It says — 
 Cross the road.
 Cross. End it.
 Life is suffering.
 End it — and it ends.

But I don’t.

I say — 
 I’ll try again.
 I’ll do better.
 I’ll recover.
 I’ll learn.

And so I stop — 
 Tellingly — at a temple.
 Another beacon of false hope?
 Maybe.
 Still, I don’t cross the road.

I cheat death, to cheat life

To cheat life…