Normally I do not post something on medium without writing it down on a notebook first. However as with most things in my life, unless I acted on this thought right away, I would end up putting it on hard drive. There’s multiple reasons why I am writing this today. Firstly, it is time I own up to it. Secondly, I want to do a transformational challenge. There’s one more reason, I will address it later. So yeah! ADHD.

Why do I think I have this? Am I just trying to justify my laziness? Am I trying to cop out of my lack of discipline? Am I trying to be unaccountable for my poor work ethic? No! Infact it is the opposite. Beyond the countless internet assessments and conversations I have forced myself through, finding out that not only am I not alone with this affliction but also there’s ways to control it has been nothing short of reassuring. I really needed this. These past few months have been particularly difficult. As the reader will find out, my last few years have been particularly unique, however these past few months have been a little more than painful. They have been haunting & unless I took a grip on the situation, I could feel it all slipping away.

What is normal for me in ADHD laden my life, ( & has been so for the past 13 years? )-:

  1. I do not sleep. Period. I do not sleep, I crash & burn out. I have had a complete 8 hour sleep cycle maybe 10 times in the last decade. Everyday is constant iteration of — incomplete tasks, I need more time to finish this, skive now, (surfing on random information on the net)because now I have more time( hogged hours from my bed time), feeling that I can probably stay up all night because I am used to it, crash….
  2. No matter how important a task is, I skive! I would skive while breathing if I could. I just chase the nearest dopamine hit. It’s not a normal procrastination habit. I have no difficulty doing certain types of tasks. In fact I am really good at physical labor. That’s the only time actually that I feel rested. I don’t put away work outs. In fact that’s the only thing I have been consistent with for the past 10 years. My skiving is a different skive. All tasks worth doing in life have boring or mundane parts. If unstimulated, my mind simply puts a chokehold on it. I cannot be bothered to save my life.
  3. I constantly zone out ie. I am rarely in the moment. My mind could start pulling me in unknown directions within minutes. When I talk to strangers or new people, I get restless within 6–7 minutes. I will start to fidget & pace around either in body or in mind. This doesn’t even make sense. I am not unaware of the rules of social engagement. I can be witty if I really care, I care about listening to other folks. I just like to avoid the moment more!
  4. I simply mismanage time. No work ever gets done in the allotted time. In fact a lot of the time, there is no allotted time. There is no plan, & if there is one, it is not followed. If something deserves 90 minutes of thinking and doing. I would take maybe 8 hours to do the same. My thought process would be — lemme watch this video or lemme just see what’s interesting news in the UFC world on twitter, aaah see — this video montage of Messi at PSG, lemme just see that random actress’ filmography because I thought she was brilliant in Pride and Prejudice. There begins another rabbit hole. In fact everything is a rabbit hole if I have something important to do.
  5. I am always tired. I don’t know how, I am always exhausted. Physically I am fine, my body can run a marathon after lunch, but mentally I am just not there man!
  6. I have not actually been able to do the things I enjoy, consistently. I am also not able to be a good family member. I think these 2 are related. Like now the only time I read properly is when I am reading a story. I read but I do not absorb. It feels like I am always glossing over pages. If I am reading a word, I read too deeply, so much so that I miss the big picture, if I read from afar, I read too superficially. Similarly, I don’t write as often. I often forget to take long walks outside.
  7. The last part is regret and a promise to not repeat. I am aware of the trance I get into. I promise myself that I won’t get into it again and that tomorrow will be a good day. However….

One would think that I am not doing well in life. However, even with this degree of dysfunctionality I have managed to carve out a decent career, albeit at the cost of a lot of time, money and lost friends. I am not particularly good at “career” — ing is a different matter. However I am constantly left with the feeling of untapped potential. I think if I overcome this hurdle(which by all means has been my hardest), I think I can truly be somebody.

Starting today I am taking these steps and following it rigorously for 30 days—

a) Prepare the schedule for the day in the first 20 minutes of waking up.

b) Stick to it

c) Meditate to this video — https://youtu.be/y5EqO8CQ_cQ?si=Vhme24MMEy0NoM2G

d) Surf only once in 1 hour — 5 minutes at a time.

I will write short notes in my journal everyday after doing it.

I will hold myself accountable to this. Let’s change ourselves one day at a time.

The third reason why I wrote this article — I wrote this article so that anybody else who has experienced something similar might find a friend in me. I also needed to feel a little light.

While I have been a patient to this for almost 13–14 years(ever since I had more agency of my time and my parents didn’t get to decide my bed time), last couple of months have tested me deeply.

There have been a few changes in my life in the past few months which triggered a downward spiral mentally. I have not really had enthusiastic thoughts on most days. There have been large periods of self pity, doubt and extremely melancholy. More than once, my mind has been allowed to talk to ungodly agents. However, I am also aware that this is solvable.

More later…